Comstock Review: "Saudade"

"Saudade" published in Comstock Review | Summer 2024 (nominated for The Pushcart Prize)

Saudade after Jared Har’el

At times I too was lonely and a little bored

living in Binghamton, NY, a pocket

carved in the Southern Tier where rain or snow

pooled year-round. It was a destination where cars

spun in 360s in winter on I-17 just to get there or to leave.

It even snowed in April when I stayed for Easter

one year to be with my boyfriend in lieu of home.

On a slow day I gave blood—orange juice and shortbread

cookies the reward for half an hour of giving

something of myself.

In a city then known for diners and dive bars,

beer and arcade games filled my nights.

I worked in the dining hall with my friend, Chris,

who tallied record numbers of hours to pay for school.

Ate most meals in the great chokey room.

We’d end up at the same parties

when they sprung up around town.

At that time in my life I couldn’t tell

if a guy was a friend or something more.

After Chris was killed by a drunk driver

while riding his bike, I wondered for years

what he was destined to become.

What job would he land

outside the glaring kitchen. What gorges and overlooks

his hike would have taken him to see. How shy he seemed.

Most comfortable on vacant roads

coiling around mountains.